Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Taking the Bible Literally

[Someone sent me this EMail and I just about died laughing, then realized that many people believe this literal interpretation, then blame society for "not following God's word". I added the new map of the actual nation, which represents today's reality. - EL]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, an observant Orthodox Jew, is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is a hilarious letter to Dr. Laura in response to her edict.

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own a Canadian?

[It's also stated that you may rape female slaves, but if they are engaged first, then it's polite to release them afterwards. Now, if I ask first if they are engaged, can I believe them if they say yes? I certainly don't want to give up any female slaves that I can rape repeatedly..]

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbiden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?

11. Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
"One blasphemous liberal sinner"
(actual name changed to protect the sinful devil worshipper from being burned at the stake like Joan d'Arc)


[My NOTES: Now, obviously people say “These ideas are out of date – times have changed” – yeah? IF so, then why is this called “God’s word”, still? And is God’s word valid in some eras, NOT in others? If its invalid now, why are people still buying 3 Bibles each, on average, why is everyone claiming this is “immutable, everlasting wisdom”?

Detractors say western religion (the Judeo-Christian ones) have become “shopping cart religions” – you only buy the parts of it that you believe in. In that case, each person is creating their own “personal religion”. That being the case, the Bible then is nothing more than a “rough idea” of what should be ethical or not, and we each decide on our own. Somewhere in the Old T is says, “There was no king in Israel, every man did what he thought was right”.

That’s it in a nutshell: we EACH do what we think is right, so every person has his own “religion”. This is yet another reason it won’t work for any society or government, its all open to various interpretation – hence there are over 36,000 denominations of “Christianity” in the U.S. alone.. and if “only one” is right, that means that 99.999% of us have chosen “wrong”, and we’re all DOOMED!

I've often asked God to "smite me dead" if I'm wrong, and I'm still around, saying the same things for over 50 years now. They hated me in Sunday school, because they couldn't answer my questions, being "volunteers with the calling", but NO knowledge of theology, religion, or the Bible at all. Spiritual illiterates are teaching our kids this stuff!

"Any man who doesn't seek knowledge of God cannot be a priest in Israel"

ps - I believe Iran, and the Taliban in Afghanistan are trying to live "by the Bible", you can look at those societies and determine if "living by the word of God" works in reality for you (all we have is our opinions, right? Some will always like it, some not, true of every system really). In actuality, democracy would have prevented the American Revolution (supported by only 9%, fought by 3%) - EL

1 comment:

Dustin D Wind said...

That was hilarious. I loved it!
I'm not sure I agree with your statement regarding Iran, seeing that it's generally ranked in the top 15 nations when it comes to science, medicine, economy, tourism, quality of life, &c. I don't know if the vast majority of its population is still pro-American, after suffering our economic sanctions for the past few years, but it's by far the most modern nation in the region, and has one of the best records for peace in the world.

Nonetheless, I found your letter to the fundamentalist Jewish radio hostess priceless!